My Skinny Little Secret

My Skinny Little Secret

Behind the inspirational posts and LinkedIn profile I'm just like everyone else. I have my own set of issues, I sometimes pretend to have my shit together, I worry about being judged and criticized, and there are times where I just want to have the responsibilities of a two-year old. Something tells me I'm not alone in any of the above.

I spent over 20 years hiding a large part of myself because I didn't want to be "that person". I didn't want to be a self proclaimed mess. Pretending to be strong was easier than facing the unknown.

For over two decades I’ve struggled with an eating disorder. I took it about as seriously as a gnat in my face. I tried to swat it away, pretend it didn’t exist, use it to my advance, you name it I tried it. Needless to say, I found ONE thing that was more stubborn than I was and that was my eating disorder. It gave me a strange sense of consistency and comfort that my life lacked.  On top of it I was being validated for my intense structure, work ethic, rigorous workouts, and strict eating routine. Little did anyone know what was going on under the surface. Behind that mask of self-control was a shit show of anxiety. 

This “secret”, to my dismay, unveiled itself recently through severe medical complications, primarily because I've been doing it for so long AND I’m getting old-ish (let’s be real my body can't take this shit). I’ve been on medical leave for a few months and I'm just returning. I told a few people (thank you to those who were supportive), but mostly just slipped away because that was easier to do than explain why.

Some people have asked, "When did you know?". I knew the minute my life revolved around disordered food behaviors. I also get asked "Why can't you just eat normally?" Well, in short I’m not an idiot (and yes, you can challenge that). I understand the point of eating, but it’s a MENTAL war zone in your head, hence the "disordered" part. I can rationalize any disordered eating behavior better than O.J's lawyers. It's a very powerful, manipulative disease that goes beyond willpower -- very similar to other addictions. People also apologize a lot. I appreciate the kindness, but as much as I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it has been a gift. I approach life in such a different way. I'm humbled by sincerity, appreciate patience, understand the value of loyalty, and I can sense bullshit in a still wind on the other side of the earth. They just don't teach that in school.

I started realizing it was affecting my health in my mid 30’s when my energy was level was declining significantly. Doctor after doctor looked at me and said, “healthy”.  This only added and validated that my ED was helping me, not hurting. Seriously, I became a certified Personal Trainer and gave people tips on nutrition. I kept pushing through knowing my body was burning out FAST. At 39 (my current age, let's keep that between us) I could barely take my dog for a walk, my muscles (those that were left) were cramping, my mind was foggy, and my weight hit a new low regardless of the amount of calories I was consuming (sounds like an amazing diet plan, but trust me, I don't recommend it). Funny thing about food -- you need it and you need it throughout the day. Your body is a ridiculously strong machine, but it can only take so much.

I finally got frustrated and begrudgingly asked my sister for help. Within days we were scheduled to go to an eating disorder clinic. I needed blood work before being admitted. As I sat in the chair getting the vials taken, I passed out. After 15 minutes of being unconscious, a heart rate of 35, turning blue, and a fun trip to the ER, I not only scared the shit out of everyone, but I finally realized how much damage I had done to my body. Between a weak heart, years of digestive issues, the inability to absorb key nutrients, and my body just hanging on, I was thankful and proud that my body took me this far after beating the shit out of it.

I am very lucky to have the support of my family and to have found a place that understands both the physical and mental side of Eating Disorders. After being in a program for over 3 months, I know every day will be a challenge. It has also been a challenge on everyone around me. They worry, they feel helpless, they don't fully understand, but they still do their best and that's all I can ask for from them and myself.

There seems to be a stigma attached to mental disorders. Why don't we look at mental disorders the same way we would diabetes, cancer, or any other health related issue that is out of our control? Whether it's neurological or physical, there is still a sense of suffering with no guaranteed timeline for recovery. Why are some illnesses acceptable and some are not? Anyone? Please, I'm open to answers!?

Quick quote then I'm done. Promise!

"Did you ever realize how much your body loves you? I mean it's always trying to keep you alive. That's all your body has to live for. Your body is making sure you breath while you sleep, stopping cuts from bleeding, fixing broken bones, finding way to beat the illnesses that might get you. Your body literally loves you so much. It's time you start loving your body back." -Unknown

If you have any questions please feel free to reach out.

That's my PSA for the day.

Gary Bean

Innovative Sales and Operations Management | Market Development | Product Launch | Coach | Training | EQ

5y

Glad you are back and got the treatment needed. I appreciate your posts and insights so thanks .

John Bright

Founder and CEO at Med Claims Compliance Corp

5y

You're a badass

Suzanne Molinet

Health and Wellness Advocate

5y

Thanks for your honest and brave writing. It will help many feel they are not alone.

Lou McVie

"Empowering Professional Women to Find Calm Amidst Chaos | Psychotherapist & Coach at Empire Code"

5y

Truly honoured to read your story, by sharing someone else will feel less alone ❤️

Brooke Claussen

VP, Creative Director at Fingerpaint

5y

Amazing story, thank you.

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