Do you really ‘not know’ when you say “I don’t know”?

Raise your hand if you ever experienced the rather annoying feeling of being completely stuck in a professional – or even personal – circumstance and the only answer coming out is “I don’t know”.

And the more we are asked about that circumstance the more “I don’t know” we give. With the increased number of “I don’t know” the sense of feeling stuck and not moving forward grows until it becomes like a wall of bricks surrounding us, limiting our steps, or a thick grey fog where each step looks like walking on eggshells and there is absolutely no view where we are going.

One extremely rewarding aspect of being a coach is to ask questions to people. Questions out of curiosity, to assess a situation, to give food for thoughts, to offer a different perspective.

They are usually intended to move the client forward and just a little bit closer to what (s)he would like to achieve and – for unknown reasons yet – hasn’t succeeded yet.

Help I am stuck!

When the client is stuck and start replying with one, or more “I don’t know” is where things start to get interesting. As a fresh coach I absolutely froze when a client answered repeatedly “I don’t know”.

The client was stuck and so was I. In my head I started beating myself up telling me that the question was not articulated enough, that it was my duty – as a coach – to move the client forward and that the “I don’t know” answer was absolutely not acceptable.

I was triggered to ask more questions. In a way a coaching session became like a police interrogation with questions in rapid fire. The result was to throw the client completely off ending up with even more “I don’t know” plus an incredible pressure to perform from my side.

My personal record was to collect 17 “I don’t know” in one hour session! (yes, I counted them all).

After the session I would research madly on coaching websites getting debatable ‘powerful questions’ results like:

“What if you knew?”

“What don’t you know?”

“What do you need to know?”

When trying those questions I received even more “I don’t know” or angrier answers like: “if I had the answer I wouldn’t be paying you”.

I felt utterly frustrated because in my head the “I don’t know” translated simply into “I have no specific knowledge around this matter and now that I think about it I am going to do something to acquire the needed knowledge”. In my head it was simple and yet the client was sitting there stuck as a rock. So, in the end, it was not simple at all.

If you cannot jump it then turn around it

I realised I needed a different strategy. And so does the person stuck in the “I don’t know” fog.

I Started exploring around the “I don’t know”. Asking how does it look like, what are the feelings connected to it, where it is located in the body; even what form does it have.

The answers given around the exploration were various. From a common fog, to pitch black, to being located in the head or chest (mostly) or being connected to a very cloudy day.

Two main reasons to reply “I don’t know”

After a fair amount of exploration there are 2 main reasons to reply the dreaded “I don’t know”.

The first, more obvious one: the person really doesn’t have a clue as important information around the subject is lacking. In the majority of the occasions it is the first time the challenge is faced or brought to attention. Once assessed this, the path is to offer some resources beneficial to get unstuck and (finally) move forward. We are not omniscient and we don’t need to pretend to be. Clients cannot know what they don’t know because they never encountered it. Offering resources is a way to move into thinking mode and then find a fitting solution.

The second reason is more complex. The client thought about it and parked the subject to a later time because of other priorities or different feelings pertaining to the sphere of fear, shame, discomfort. All in all, there is quite some resistance to face it. On the outside it’s like the client is saying “if I keep saying ‘I don’t know’ you’ll leave me alone and we’ll leave it at that”. This approach does not serve the client’s purpose – unless they willingly decide not to explore it further; which may happen.

As a coach, I won’t force a client to go down an unwanted road. I may ask what’s the impact for the client when deciding not to go towards the unwanted direction, but that would be it.

If, instead, the client is open to get unstuck, a question which may remove some blocks is: “what can you put in place to move from ‘I don’t know’ to ‘I know a little more’?”.

This question usually releases some heavy weights from the client shoulders. It helps in identifying some of the reasons for the block as well as what might be missing. Once done that proceeding with moving forward just a little and get a partial progress is easier.

What a difference from 17 “I don’t know” in a row!

A situational framework

Whenever the first (and second, and third) answer to an important question is “I don’t know”, there are different options. The simplest is to choose to avoid the subject. If that’s not the preferred choice, the alternative is to proceed with a situational framework.

 Situation A - technical: the “I don’t know” is caused by lack of important information. Question to unstuck: “What or who can help me in finding what I need to solve?”

Situation B- emotional: the “I don’t know” is caused by fear and evasion/procrastination of the subject. Question to unstuck: “What can I put in place to know just a little more?

This framework will help get the gears in motion and get unstuck. It’s a way to really assess if the reason behind the stuck is technical or emotional and increase the awareness about it. The choice is always to still avoid it or explore it. The exploration leads to be a little more closer to the professional you can become.

You need to know what you want. When you do, you need the courage to say it out loud. When saying it out loud, you need the courage to do it."

Georges Benjamin Clémenceau

About Elena

Elena added the role of international career coach to her 2 decades of pricing and forecasting roles in American and Japanese corporations. Today she coaches career conflicted professionals to pinpoint their next career move and reach self-realisation through 3 programs.

“Job Landing Strategy®” to look for a new job in the same role and maximise the chances to be selected.

“Twist your career into a new profession” to have a 360 degrees pivot into a new role.

“Turn your strengths into superpowers” to up-skill and re-skill natural talents increasing confidence and productivity.

You can talk to Elena here and follow her on her bi-weekly posts on Linkedin.