[Verse 1: Mark Douglas]
Now and then we like to play one guitar together
And that's convenient since we only have the one
Tony sold our other instruments
To pay some gangsters but he's still in debt
And if they catch him he will surely be dismembered

[Verse 2: Mark Douglas]
Tony is addicted to wide array of narcotics
He says they help him write but we're a cover band
I'm not sure why we keep him in the band
Maybe it's because he drives the van
The rest of us can only drive an automatic

[Chorus: Todd Womack]
This used to just be my guitar
Now Dave is banging on it like he's fucking Tito Puente
We all look sad because we're starved
Tonight for dinner we're splitting a candy bar

We are the poorest band in the world
We have to act like we are camping but we're really homeless
And I don't even own this voice
We had to borrow it from Peter Gabriel
Don't you know you gotta shock the monkey

[Interlude: Mark Douglas, Todd Womack & Doug Larsen]
Climbing up on Salisbury Hill
Sledgehammer
Oompa loompa dopaty do
My feet are cold cus Tony sold my shoes

[Verse 3: Anastasia Douglas]
I don't think that we should blame our problems all on Tony
Tony's not the only deadbeat in this band
I don't want to name any names
But Derek, Timothy, and Dave
Each have fooled around with me
I threw up this morning, now I'm gonna have a band baby

[Chorus: Mark Douglas & Todd Womack]
You could've mentioned that before
How can we afford to put a kid through kindergarten?
Hey guys, where did Tony go?
You all know that Tony can't be left alone
And now he's got the camera
If he sells it then we will officially have nothing
There's nothing Tony can't destroy
But no-one else knows how to do the plinky noise

[Outro: Todd Womack, Anastasia Douglas & All]
The clinky noise
We need Tony
To do the clinky noise
Somebody get Tony
He does the clinky noise
And send us some money
For the clinky noise
My stomach feels funny