[Spoken Intro: Anastasia Douglas as Lady Gaga, Carolyn Castiglia as Beyoncé]
What do you say, B.K.?
Are you gonna tell me the concept for this telephone video or what?
Well...

[Verse 1: Lady Gaga, Beyoncé]
First of all this song is not as good as Bad Romance
And it's not even close to Poker Face or Just Dance
So I will distract them by getting half-naked
And throw everything at them but the kitchen sink, sink
The kitchen sink, sink
What do you think, think?
I will prove that I don't have a penis, wink-wink
First I'll get stripped naked by some burly prison guards
And make out with a shemale in the prison yard yard
This video seems goofy, you should just do it alone
Besides I'm getting sick of all these songs about phones

[Chorus: Lady Gaga]
Bail me out of jail then we follow with some bad dialogue
We poison everyone including a cute dog
Then we start to dance and there's dead people everywhere
As usual, I have lots of crazy crap in my hair
P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-product placement
Hide the de-dead bodies in the ba-ba-basement
Blood, and guts, and boobs, and butts
And I just wanna make your head explode
Beep, beep, beep, bee-bee-beep, beep, beep
That was "Lady Gaga" in morse code

[Verse 2: Beyonce, Lady Gaga]
If you think I'm doing this then you're a crazy bastard
Must have blown a gasket, are you tripping on acid?
As a child, were you abused by some big crazy bastard?
And did he ever make you put the lotion in the basket?
I just wanna do a simple shoot with dancin'
You used to be a diva, now you're Marilyn Manson
You're gonna do my video and do it my way
I'd hate for something bad to happen to your family
My family-ay? That's right, Beyoncé
A piano might accidentally fall on Jay-Z

[Chorus: Beyoncé, Lady Gaga]
Somebody help me 'cause I don't want to sing anymore
She's got a gun to my head on the dance floor
Rub-a-dub-dub, three nuns in a tub
And they're doing it with the garden gnome
Please don't beat me up, but I have to ask
What does it have to do with a telephone?

[Spoken Outro: Beyoncé]
You crazy bitch! Ahh!